


Oh, Santa

by ErinPtah



Series: The Colbert Christmas Cabin [3]
Category: Fake News FPF
Genre: A Colbert Christmas, Christmas, Filk, Gen, VeggieTales References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-25
Updated: 2011-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 10:42:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2848043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/pseuds/ErinPtah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Colbert-centric remix of the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i53pBlE263k">heartwarming Christmas story originally performed by CGI vegetables</a>. Stephen and his cookies are ready for Santa, but other visitors keep knocking at his door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh, Santa

**Author's Note:**

> Ketchup is from [Colbert Occupies Wall St Part 1](http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/videos/d4hmi3/colbert-super-pac---stephen-colbert-occupies-occupy-wall-street-pt--1) and [Part 2](http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/videos/hqjgoz/colbert-super-pac---stephen-colbert-occupies-occupy-wall-street-pt--2). Dan Savage has been [a TCR guest](http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/videos/vii2l9/dan-savage) several times. Elvis Costello, Stephen and Jon's festive winter outfits, and, of course, Santa all appear in A Colbert Christmas.

  
  
NARRATOR (ELVIS COSTELLO)  
_It's Christmas Eve, and Stephen is anxiously awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus with a plate of cookies._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Oh, Santa!  
I can't wait for you to come  
I just can't wait for you to come  
And I've got cookies!  
Three yummy cookies!  
Just for you for when you come  
Oh me, for you for when you come  
Because it's Christmas!

❄

 _(Knocking.)_

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Could that be Santa?  
Could that be him?  
Could it be the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me  
A good fake news host like me?

❄

  
NARRATOR  
_Stephen is surprised to be greeted, not by Santa, but by a handsome homosexual._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Who are you?

❄

  
DAN SAVAGE  
I'm a gay guy!  
And I've come to tempt the straights  
Oh yes, I've come to tempt the straights  
At least I've come to call for tolerance in your morals  
So stand back, step aside, or just bend over  
And let me in!

❄

  
NARRATOR  
_Although morally offended by the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas, Stephen makes an offering._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
My will is firm  
I won't convert, my well-groomed friend  
But I have cookies  
Three yummy cookies  
So you can't have me  
But please take this, my well-groomed friend  
Eat one of these, my well-groomed friend  
They are for Santa  
But you may have one

❄

  
NARRATOR  
_The homosexual is truly touched by Stephen's good will. But Stephen, although momentarily distracted, is still excited about seeing Santa._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Oh, Santa!  
I can't wait for you to come  
I just can't wait for you to come  
And I've got cookies!  
Two yummy cookies!  
Just for you for when you come  
Oh me, for you for when you come  
Because it's Christmas!  


  
  
DAN SAVAGE  
I'm a gay guy!  
I came to tempt the straights  
Oh yes! I came to tempt the straights  
You shared a cookie  
A yummy cookie  
Though I'd love to tap that ass  
This time I think I'll pass  
Because it's Christmas!

❄

 _(Knocking.)_

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Could that be Santa?  
Could that be him?  
Could it be the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me  
A good fake news host like me?

❄

  
NARRATOR  
_Once again, it is not Santa who has come to Stephen's door, but this time a secular liberal._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Who are you?

❄

  
JON STEWART  
I'm a liberal!  
And I've come for compromise  
Oh yes! I've come for compromise  
And I've come to ask for tiny legislative concessions  
And I've come to...give in a whole lot  
But still have hope!

❄

  
NARRATOR  
_Although disdainful of the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas Stephen makes an offering._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
I'm not in Congress  
I don't make laws, my Jewish friend  
But I have cookies  
Two yummy cookies  
Wouldn't compromise anyway  
But please take this, my Jewish friend  
Eat one of these, my Jewish friend  
They are for Santa  
But you may have one

❄

  
NARRATOR  
_The liberal is also touched by Stephen's good will. But Stephen's thoughts are still with Santa._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Oh, Santa!  
I can't wait for you to come  
I just can't wait for you to come  
I've got a cookie!  
A yummy cookie!  
Just for you for when you come  
Oh me, for you for when you come  
Because it's Christmas!  


  
  
JON STEWART  
I'm a liberal!  
I came to compromise  
Oh yes, I came to compromise  
You shared a cookie  
A yummy cookie  
It won't fix any damage  
But for right now we'll manage  
Because it's Christmas!

❄

 _(Knocking.)_

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Could that be Santa?  
Could that be him?  
Could it be the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me  
A good fake news host like me?

❄

  
NARRATOR  
_Stephen is greeted now by a protestor from Occupy Wall Street._

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Who are you?

❄

  
KETCHUP  
I'm from the 99%!  
And I'm here to protest—

❄

 _(Slam.)_

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Oh, Santa!  
I can't wait for you to come  
I just can't wait for you to come...

❄

 _(Commotion at the chimney.)_

❄

  
STEPHEN  
It's finally Santa!  
It's finally him!  
At last, the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me  
A good fake news host like me!

❄

  
SANTA  
I'm Santa!  
And I've come to bring you gifts  
Oh yes! I've come to bring you gifts  
And I've come to stuff your stockings, oh ho-ho-ho!  
And I've come to jiggle my belly  
And wiggle my nose!

...Hey, wait a minute! Do either of you two even believe in Christmas?

❄

  
DAN SAVAGE  
I'm just here to lick Stephen's icing.

❄

  
JON STEWART  
I did offer to share my latkes.

❄

SANTA

Then you're not on my list yet! Get over here!

❄

 _(SANTA chases DAN and JON out. KETCHUP enters through the open door.)_

❄

  
KETCHUP  
Time for some redistribution of chow.

❄

 _(KETCHUP takes the last cookie and runs out.)_

❄

  
STEPHEN  
Merry...Christmas?

❄


End file.
